Facing What Is
In my classes these months, I’ve talked a lot about opening to discomfort. In fact, I even titled one of them, “The Opportunity of Discomfort”. But I have to say how deeply humbled I’ve been in facing some uncomfortable conversations these days.
Recently, a friend started alluding to not supporting racial justice and BLM. There were subtle comments here, minor innuendos there. One day, after seeing something he wrote publically, I decided to message him and talk directly about it. To name what I was sensing and find out the reality behind it. I imagined it would be a clarifying conversation and we could easily move on. But as we talked things became more complex. With each exchange, he revealed deeper layers of his views, which were more and more divergent from my essential values. Damn, did I want to change his mind! I wanted to show him the truth of things. I wanted to “fix” him. Mostly I wanted to do this so we could continue on as we’d been going - I didn’t want to lose what we’d been creating together, I didn’ t want to lose my idea of who he was. Yet it became clear that he didn’t want to be fixed (naturally, very few of us do), and truly he wasn’t looking to shift his perspective. I was left sitting with the discomfort of that.
I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to feel it. My mind was seeking justification. “This must be a misunderstanding”. “Maybe if i understand his side and what has him think this way, we’ll find the meeting point”. I hate not getting on the spot of union. But sometimes life is about divergence. Another friend of mine recently said (in a different context) “you make too many excuses for people Justine”. This statement was more about me than about the other people. About my willingness to sacrifice truth for an idea of connection. And my hesitation to take action based on what that truth reveals. (More about this in another post.)
Being willing to keep our eyes open and fully see others can be freaking painful. And sometimes uncomfortable conversations are about just that - not turning from the reality of what is revealed when we wish it were different. Being able to see who another is without filters, especially when what we see doesn’t fit our needs and wants. I know it’s actually the kindest thing to do, even when it means non resolution, separation or endings. Not deluding or hiding ourselves, or asking others to do the same. In acknowledging what is, I’m not getting the perfect resolution a part of me craves, but I get the deeper freedom of sitting with reality, no matter how uncomfortable it is.