Speaking “the Thing”

Sometimes asking for the thing is so damn hard.

Recently, I sensed a bunch of unsaid things building up between a new friend/lover & I. I knew we needed to talk. This shouldn’t be a big deal right?

Well, it is .

When I speak with my friends and clients about what’s happening in their intimate relationships, I often find myself asking “Have you told them? Have you two spoken about it directly?” The answer is almost always no.

Most of my clients, like me, and probably you too, grew up in families where things just weren’t talked about (not to mention a larger culture which silenced women for centuries).

So to touch the spot between us and another, and say “this doesn’t feel right…”, or “this hurts… and I want to talk about it” feels taboo.

And, as in breaking any taboo, it feels like a big deal. Our scared parts rear up shouting “it’s not safe, don’t rock the boat, just stay inside the unspoken lines”. Or in the least, “nope, that’s f*ing way too uncomfortable to say.” Generational curses are hard to break.

So when we consider our most deeply intimate & er0t¡c experiences, we might imagine something so in flow that we’re relieved of any need for words.

But the way I built my er0t¡c life was through speaking. Through naming the sensation felt, through guiding a partner to the most electric spot, through making requests for what could have both of us feel more deeply.

Doing this over and over again with willing partners, every single day for 13 years, marked it indelibly in my soul. I know what it creates - the deepest visceral understanding that DOES go beyond words.

So now, even when I find myself up against the culture of “we don’t talk about that”, I practice speaking. And I invite my clients to do the same.

Consciously breaking these damaging taboos actually feels amazing - there is so much energy & liberation on the other side. I felt it last week when I acknowledged what was happening and finally asked my friend to talk. Freedom.