Preparing for erotic expansion

This past week I’ve been talking with lots of folks who are considering new explorations in the er0t¡c. It has me reflecting on what I’ve learned over the years about creating safe & gratifying experiences.

I used to imagine that the best experiences happened spontaneously. But the truth is that it’s damn hard to stay conscious in six. If you haven’t done some work to untangle your conditioned patterns they’re going to take the lead.

Considering a few things in advance can make the difference between having an experience you desire and one that requires a bunch of emotional clean up.

Here’s how to do it. (If you have a good relationship with your inner world it should only take a few minutes. If you don’t, you might want to give it more time).

1. Get clear on your desires. What exactly do you want? Most people desire something very specific but are afraid to acknowledge it, even to themselves. What, where, for how long, and to what degree?

In 12 step, it’s said that expectations are premeditated resentments. I would say it’s *unacknowledged* expectations that cause us trouble. We all have hopes & desires - get to know and communicate yours.

2. Know your limits & boundaries. What’s off the table for you?

If you don’t know how to say no, your yes is likely compensatory.

3. Reflect on what you’ll need after the experience in order to feel good about having had it.

Will you need your partner(s) to cuddle, sleep over, share their feelings, or debrief what happened? Or will you need silence & solitude to integrate?

4. Ask yourself how comfortable you are explicitly speaking about all of the above. If you don’t have the capacity for potentially uncomfortable conversations, consider slowing down (and doing step 5 ).

5. Check in with the parts of yourself that object to any of the above. Ask what they fear will happen if you go ahead. What do they need in order to feel safe, acknowledged & included? Sometimes just hearing them out makes all the difference.

And then of course, talk about all of this with your partner(s) as resonant!