How to trust
“Can I trust them?”
Has this question ever occupied your mind? On a recent date, it occupied mine. It was fascinating to watch. There I was, sitting across from a beautiful man in a playful conversation, yet a large part of my attention was caught up in scanning for clues, checking and double checking. Likely you’ve experienced this in your own way.
It has me thinking about trust. What I’ve learned over the years about where it comes from. And maybe most importantly, what we seek to trust.
Naturally, the quest for trust is part of our evolutionary protective system. We need to assess threat - who wants to be eaten by wolves? But trauma studies show that persistent vigilance makes us less safe. When we’re hyper alert to questions of safety and threat, our ability to accurately pay attention to, and assess what’s truly happening, around and within us decreases. Ironically, we end up missing the most important cues.
I’ve tracked this closely in myself, and heard countless stories from clients. The spin of questioning trust has us stop seeing the person in front of us for who they really are. Instead, they become objects we hope will satisfy our needs and desires. And, when they don’t, subjects we cast our disappointment and feelings of betrayal upon. In the process, the person we actually lose trust in is ourselves, and our ability to see clearly.
In meditation practice, we come to know the true nature of an experrience through mindfully inquiring “What is this?”. Sati sampajañña, or wise awareness, is a process of not just being present to something, but looking deeply into how it operates. What if we were to engage this nuanced attention in our relationships - and discover who the people around us are?
That’s what I did on my date. I stopped mid-spinning-thought (thank you practice), dropped into the felt sense of my body, and took this man in deeply. I asked myself,
Who is this person across from me?
Can I notice them fully, without filter?
Can I trust myself to be interested in who they really are, not just who I want them to be?
Whether you’ve known someone two hours or twenty years, I invite you into this exploration with me. Ultimately it’s the surest way to determine trust. Because when you truly see and know someone, you can trust them to be who they are, not just who you want them to be.