Erotic Boundaries
“What are your bottom lines?” my friend asks. We’d been talking about men, expectations and desire. When it’s met and when it’s not. “Huh,” I had to stop for a minute. “I don’t know if I have those”, I replied. I thought of Brenee Brown and how she’s said “the most compassionate people I know have boundaries of steel”. Essentially, boundaries are resentment prevention, keeping us from moving forward with things that are not in alignment with what we truly want. I know that to be true. Only steel isn’t really a quality of the erotic. The idea of a solid, fixed bottom line doesn’t occur in the same way in a realm that is very much fluid, dynamic and ever changing.
This does not mean boundaries are irrelevant. Or that I’m a doormat. In fact, boundaries very much have a place in OM. For example, containers are a significant part of the practice. Setting agreements of time and space in which to explore and learn is key - whether in an OM, a conversation, or researching a new dimension of relating. You can think of the parameters of these containers as agreed upon boundaries - we are going to explore this, in this way, for this long. This defining allows you to check out new edges… with some holding, so you can relax and open inside of the experience.
Or if you OM, you know there is a Spot. You know when you’re on it and when you’re not. As you cultivate attunement, your body tells you when something feels electric or dull, and whether to go left or right in order to access it. You could call this bodily guidance system desire, or intuition. Outside of OM, it’s the voice that quietly (or loudly) says “what was that??” or “that doesn’t feel right”, “i want to go there” or “something needs adjusting”. This capacity to sense and respond keeps us in alignment. You could say it establishes the boundary of what is the spot and what isn’t, and lets you know personally when you’re on or off.
The heart of OM is this practice of loyalty to spot, and to hearing the voice that speaks for it. It is not necessarily comfortable. It can mean hearing and speaking things that you otherwise wish you wouldn’t. Pretty much all defense mechanisms, from numbing out to codependent control, stem from not wanting to listen to the spot. And all erotic practice is towards removing the barriers to hearing it. It’s awful and wonderful. It requires all of you. And in addition to this, in order to be loyal, you must remain open to take in new information and adjust accordingly moment to moment. It’s the opposite of erecting barriers that are rigid and enduring; it’s staying so close to the voice that it naturally keeps you in alignment. Hard barriers hold incoming information at bay. Erotic boundaries are a dynamic relationship.
A BBC reporter once suggested to Mother Teresa that being of service might be a bit easier for her, as she had no possessions, no family, and no husband. ‘‘This is not true,’’ she replied. ‘‘I am married too.’’ She held up the ring that symbolized her wedding to god. Then added, ‘‘And he can be very difficult sometimes!’’ Yup, that pretty much describes the dynamic relationship the spot requires.
It’s the most challenging and humbling practice I’ve ever taken on. A constant process of hearing, not wanting to hear, and hearing anyway. Of getting on the spot and slipping off and coming back to find it again. Of thinking I’m on it, only to excavate further layers of obscuration and discovering dimensions previously invisible to my eye. Of forgetting the spot exists at all, and then, through grace, remembering. That’s the nature of it. Just like finding the breath in meditation, and then getting swept away by tidal waves of thought. In fact, a great deal of time is spent under the wave. In that way, rigid barriers or hard lines can sound appealing. At times, they may be a necessary reprieve. But ultimately the erotic calls. And nothing is more gratifying than living in deeper and deeper alignment with that force.
There’s a story in the Zen tradition of a student asking his teacher Master Yunmen, “What is the goal of a lifetime of practice?”. Yunmen replied, “An appropriate response.” That for me is a succinct expression of erotic boundaries. “Here, not there”. “Left, not right”. A continual listening for what the spot is calling for, and a willingness to respond in resonance.
art by viktoria sotsug