#1 Skill in a lover

When people think of great skills to have as a lover, they might imagine:

Seductiveness
Creativity
Stamina

But the #1 skill I value in a lover is attunement.

It’s the golden key that unlocks the worthiness of every other erotic skill & quality.

Attunement is the ability to feel into another & offer the most resonant response in any given moment.

Sometimes faster. Sometimes slower. Sometimes soft. Sometimes hard. Sometimes creative in this way. Sometimes creative in that way.

This resonance is what all mindful erotic practice aims for - in sex, connection, communication and in life.

It’s the same thing Zen Master Yunmen pointed to when asked “What is the highest, most profound teaching of a lifetime?”, and he said, “An appropriate response.”

Just last week I swiped right on a profile that piqued my curiosity. His immediate response: “knock knock can I come* inside?” Yeah, no.

So often we’re caught up in our own fantasies & fears in sex that we don’t actually notice the person in front of us and where they’re at.

Attunement invites us to put our attention out beyond our own drives & anxieties, and notice.

In response to our touch, does our partner soften, open, moisten… or do they tighten, retract, close?

In response to their feeling, do we rub harder & faster in hopes of getting the response we want, or adjust to where they’re at, so we can find the next resonant stroke in connection?

With practice, the sensation in our own bodies becomes an exquisite guide to this. Viscerally, we just know what to do. But that’s another post.