Why Women Manipulate

Last month a once-was lover came over for dinner. It was hot outside and I’d prepared a gorgeous summer meal. Salad niçoise, corn on the cob, fresh baguette with brie & figs, and dessert. Of course there was dessert. We ate and talked. And listened to music. And talked more. When our meal was done, I had a decision to make. Do i offer him dessert now? The calculations began. I had a desire for sex and I don’t like having sex on a full stomach. Plus the hours were passing. He might need to leave soon. If I offer him dessert it’s going to eat up time. I looked at him and added things up in my mind. Hmmm…. No dessert for him!

I laughed. If only he knew. Actually, if only all men knew, just how much women calculate.

In the past weeks it’s been a hot topic with clients and friends. Calculation. Manipulation. All the subtle ways we do it and why. It would make sense that the subterranean is up for investigation, in this time when shadow is so close to the surface in our society. It’s a potent time.

One client described how she wanted to do more activities with her partner. So every time she headed out the door for a bike ride, she’d mention how she wished she had a friend to accompany her. When that didn’t work, she began suggesting he treat himself to new running shoes. Other days, she would turn up the volume on her workout videos uncomfortably loud, until he came in the room to see what she was up to.

Then there’s a student who shared how strategic she’d been in a conversation with her co-worker. How she brought warmth and curiosity to their discussion about his creative ideas. How she feigned deep interest in order to get him to exuberantly share. And then, in the moment he was most open, how she "suggested" he follow her example and one day try listening to her ideas as intently as she was listening to his.

Or my old friend who called for advice on how to handle her roommate, who was continually hitting on her despite her refusals. How dare this man keep pushing? As we dug in, it was revealed that she kept just enough promise on the table because she didn’t want to lose the free rent she was receiving from him. They had a covert agreement she was precipitously maintaining.

Yes, us women are so tricky. Brilliant actually. We’ve found ingenious ways to have our desire over lifetimes of it being taboo, or even dangerous, to express and pursue overtly. We’ve found the backdoors, the back alleys, and the subterranean mazes that give us access without ever being seen, and without having to pay the bill (which at times would have been life threatening).

The thing is that, most of the time, manipulation only gets us part of what we want. And more significantly, 𝙞𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙥𝙚𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙞𝙨 *𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡* 𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙖𝙛𝙚; 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙚 𝙙𝙤 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙤𝙢 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙞𝙣 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙞𝙧𝙚 (which is still the case for some women in the world, but rarely the ones I know). 𝙒𝙚 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙖𝙩 𝙚𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩, 𝙨𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙡, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙫𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙞𝙧𝙘𝙪𝙢𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙨, 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙚’𝙧𝙚 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙣𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙮 𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚. 𝙒𝙚 𝙖𝙘𝙩 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙝𝙖𝙗𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙜𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙞𝙙𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙥𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙞𝙧 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚.

Now, I don’t want to understate how deeply woven into our nervous systems fear and control can be. Most often with clients, we trace how it’s been passed down along the family line. In the face of this momentum of habit, to build an interior self that can handle the intense sensation of desire, have the vulnerability to ask for it, and then the openness to receive another’s response and adjust accordingly - all while staying conscious - is no small thing. It’s the core work I do with so many.

The beauty is that when you acknowledge your volition in this way, manipulation can be transmuted into play. What was based on fear and resentment becomes fun, seductive, connective, electric. The difference is the reality of choice. Not acting out unconscious habit, but consciously choosing our actions and their consequences - including paying the bill - because it’s safe to, and our desire is worth it.